It has been quite a while since I have thought seriously about this joke of a blog and having just emerged from travelling hell I realized that The Epitome of Everything is not even remotely as clever as I once thought. Apparently Brian Regan has a standup special of EXACTLY the same name. That is not good. It makes it seem like the extent of my wit ends at the television, and while that may be true, that is not how I want to present myself.
So without further ado, oh, What's that? Oh. I see.
So WITH further ado, I WON'T present the new name for this ignored and unappreciated blog. But I promise its a fucking good one.
FYI, I know I'm the only one reading this.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentimes Day! Hooray for settling!
One more quicky post after realizing the monumental day this is!
Sorry everyone, but fuck Valentines Day and everything it stands for.
You can love your significant other and treat them well 364 days of the year without making it a fucking guilt trip for the majority of the country, me included. Your happiness and love breed hate and loathing in all of us miserable single bastards who have no business ruining someone else's life by allowing them to be in a relationship with us. I am pretty sure that at this point in my life, any girl I dated would have to be either batshit crazy or have such low self esteem that getting slapped would translate to love. I am currently, for the past few years, rounding and approximating....10 years to be closer, and I know that no one in their right mind would want to deal with my bitching and sarcasm and bullshit. Therefore I know I shouldn't be in a relationship. But honestly, does everyone else in the fucking country have to choose oen day to cause me to go on suicide watch? What are they getting out of it? They get to show off to all the other couples that they acn A) Afford a nice meal and B) that they are well adjusted enough to be in public long enough to eat and not fight. Whoopdeefuckingdoo. Not even the other couples want to see that. They are there to fulfill the obligation of couples demeaning all of us miserable, single bastards to keep the cycle going.
So basically, I am doing a service by keeping myself far from women who wannt relationships and women in general. I should be rewarded and hailed as a hero for keeping my worthless genes out of the pool. Instead I am ostracized and mocked openly every holiday season, but especially on V-Day, which honestly sounds more like the day you discovered you had herpes and warts than anything else.
But, Happy Valentines day everyone! But love the one you're with. Those are wise words.
Sorry everyone, but fuck Valentines Day and everything it stands for.
You can love your significant other and treat them well 364 days of the year without making it a fucking guilt trip for the majority of the country, me included. Your happiness and love breed hate and loathing in all of us miserable single bastards who have no business ruining someone else's life by allowing them to be in a relationship with us. I am pretty sure that at this point in my life, any girl I dated would have to be either batshit crazy or have such low self esteem that getting slapped would translate to love. I am currently, for the past few years, rounding and approximating....10 years to be closer, and I know that no one in their right mind would want to deal with my bitching and sarcasm and bullshit. Therefore I know I shouldn't be in a relationship. But honestly, does everyone else in the fucking country have to choose oen day to cause me to go on suicide watch? What are they getting out of it? They get to show off to all the other couples that they acn A) Afford a nice meal and B) that they are well adjusted enough to be in public long enough to eat and not fight. Whoopdeefuckingdoo. Not even the other couples want to see that. They are there to fulfill the obligation of couples demeaning all of us miserable, single bastards to keep the cycle going.
So basically, I am doing a service by keeping myself far from women who wannt relationships and women in general. I should be rewarded and hailed as a hero for keeping my worthless genes out of the pool. Instead I am ostracized and mocked openly every holiday season, but especially on V-Day, which honestly sounds more like the day you discovered you had herpes and warts than anything else.
But, Happy Valentines day everyone! But love the one you're with. Those are wise words.
Title Needed: This will do; Things thought while writing and thinking and writing and looking and typing and thinking.
Insomnia can be fun if you have nothing to do. At some point your brain reaches a sort of Zen state through which you can mindlessly imagine and perceive the world out of the context of your reality. Things becomes transparent in ways that they could never be when conscious of them. Like whatever it is it is constantly just out of frame but when you turn to look at it directly you cannot see it. Or those weird eye squiggles that you can never look at directly but if you stop thinking about them they just fly around the edges of your visual perception. Whatever goes on in the brain, causing it to react to the lack of rest form lack of sleep forces it to compensate in ways that our waking brain never experiences. I wish I was more versed on the niceties of brain chemistry, unfortunately I am an uneducated person who just cant stop thinking. Ever. About anything. It would suck more if I wasn't blessed with a giant cock which i use to pay the bills. I should make a late disclaimer: I have been on more than a small handful of drugs, prescribed and otherwise, For a variety of different purposes, and while in the safetey of my own home. But I can honestly say that this exercise has proved one thing. One of the things in the preceding run-on sentence/paragraph is a blatant lie. I am a neurotic and somewhat self loathing Jew who is surprisingly self-aware, considering his stature in society, which is low and not really a part of society, so I'm sure it won't be difficult to decipher the truth from this Rosetta stone of character flaws.
All I know is sleep is for the weak....or the well adjusted.
It's always nice to end a post that began with transcendental masturbation with some therapist banter and a jab at people who can live normal lives.
It always sucks...that moment when you realize, although you've been a dorky nerd your entire life, you are also a douche bag. Probably not a widely shared moment of realization. Most douchebags aren't meta enough to acknowledge being a douchbag.
What was I saying? Something about Zen and insomnia? Yea, my brain is taking it in strides. It is going strong and ain't nothin gonna break my stride, ain't nothin gonna hold me down, oh no, i simply must keep on moving. I'm genuinely not sure what I'm saying anymore. My hand/eye/brain coordination is not so good. Keeping the three working together isn't going so well. They like what each other has up for offer but getting them to schedule delivery and accept delivery at the right times is just all bungled up. It's a giant kerfuffle and the result is flotsam and jetsam on the brain bridge. I can't blame them though. I haven't given them time to formulate before reporting on the their accords and what comes out comes out before they have even been able to tell me they've decided. At this point its like I'm reading their minds...which is my mind.
Love,
The TriForce that is Ben's Brain.
Please note that I believe I may have ended the post in the middle. That was as intentional as something which had no intention and was unintentional can be. I look forward to reading this again someday to a man in a nice white coat. Or The Pulitzer people. Guten morgen.
I just remembered something I said when i was 18 and tripping so hard in the French Quarter that all I could say about my present state is that I thought my "Brain pan was melting"... It wasn't until years later when I dated a med student did I find out that we actually have a brain pan. I had never heard of it before, but it was the most appropriate thing i could think of at the time. Weird. Not significant, but weird. In case you were worried, which I was a little, my brain pan didn't melt. It is physically impossible for it to melt unless you somehow rendered it into its constituent parts of, what? something like proteins and gelatin? Probably while still in the skull, I would imagine. But I don't know what I'm saying, nor have I for 15 minutes or so, since around the very beginning of this post. I'm always a little bit proud when i type 'beginning' correctly the first time and don't have to backspace.
Gurgle and good night. I hope.
The preceding has been what an example of what can happen when you take ambien, xanax and marajuana at the same for three separate ailments, disorders and conditions and fight the sleep that has been eluding your for hours just long enough to play around with it. Thank you for tuning in.
All I know is sleep is for the weak....or the well adjusted.
It's always nice to end a post that began with transcendental masturbation with some therapist banter and a jab at people who can live normal lives.
It always sucks...that moment when you realize, although you've been a dorky nerd your entire life, you are also a douche bag. Probably not a widely shared moment of realization. Most douchebags aren't meta enough to acknowledge being a douchbag.
What was I saying? Something about Zen and insomnia? Yea, my brain is taking it in strides. It is going strong and ain't nothin gonna break my stride, ain't nothin gonna hold me down, oh no, i simply must keep on moving. I'm genuinely not sure what I'm saying anymore. My hand/eye/brain coordination is not so good. Keeping the three working together isn't going so well. They like what each other has up for offer but getting them to schedule delivery and accept delivery at the right times is just all bungled up. It's a giant kerfuffle and the result is flotsam and jetsam on the brain bridge. I can't blame them though. I haven't given them time to formulate before reporting on the their accords and what comes out comes out before they have even been able to tell me they've decided. At this point its like I'm reading their minds...which is my mind.
Love,
The TriForce that is Ben's Brain.
Please note that I believe I may have ended the post in the middle. That was as intentional as something which had no intention and was unintentional can be. I look forward to reading this again someday to a man in a nice white coat. Or The Pulitzer people. Guten morgen.
I just remembered something I said when i was 18 and tripping so hard in the French Quarter that all I could say about my present state is that I thought my "Brain pan was melting"... It wasn't until years later when I dated a med student did I find out that we actually have a brain pan. I had never heard of it before, but it was the most appropriate thing i could think of at the time. Weird. Not significant, but weird. In case you were worried, which I was a little, my brain pan didn't melt. It is physically impossible for it to melt unless you somehow rendered it into its constituent parts of, what? something like proteins and gelatin? Probably while still in the skull, I would imagine. But I don't know what I'm saying, nor have I for 15 minutes or so, since around the very beginning of this post. I'm always a little bit proud when i type 'beginning' correctly the first time and don't have to backspace.
Gurgle and good night. I hope.
The preceding has been what an example of what can happen when you take ambien, xanax and marajuana at the same for three separate ailments, disorders and conditions and fight the sleep that has been eluding your for hours just long enough to play around with it. Thank you for tuning in.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Everything I no I lurned in kiddergarden
Please note: This was written quickly and without consideration.
I have noticed many instances of a common language being the roadblock to communication, especially on the internet. When people post it is fast and dirty. No one gives any credence or care to what they read, write, or believe.
Why can't language be treated more fairly? It is, after all, how we communicate with each other, how we stay connected as an organism. But we dont care about it. We abuse and misuse it, treating it as if our ancestors didnt spend the last 10 mellennia honing it into a sharp and precise tool.
Now it is looked at as an albatross around the neck of the working man, the average American, the people we all know and feel self-conscious about trying to explain the difference between there/their. Or no/know/now. Or even your/you're.
These are simple things we should have learned in kindergarten. We should be struggling with problems which affect our well being, not problems which prevent our being from becoming well. If we cannot even communicate between each other efficiently, how can we possibly expect to understand and explain our positions?
Separated by a common language.
Ok, I know that misspelled words are not the source of all our problems, but it stands to reason that once we all start saying things we don't mean only because we cannot find the word we want to express our actual feelings, we atrat to misunderstand each other and wars have broken out for less. The whole point of having history is to allow it to teach us what not to do. That is essentially the only benefit of the past, it is its own trial and error for our benefit.
Alls I wanted to say is that we are all the same. We all want the same thing even if we are arguing over socialism(which i wasnt aware was on our ballots now), or global warming(which apparently doesnt exist because it is cold during the winter), or the war(because i hadnt heard of the country Al Qaeda. hint, it isnt a place...) We all want to be safe. We want to be healthy. We want our kids to go to school to get a good education so that they can be better than we were. We all want to be free to live our lives without hurting anyone. We all want an opportunity to achieve the American dream even if it is simply to be on American Idol. We all want all of the same things and yet we are arguing over what the RIGHT way to do that is? Shortsightedness must be an American trait.
If we have trouble merely understanding each other because we don't want to learn to understand each other, Al Qaeda is literally the least of our worries.
I have noticed many instances of a common language being the roadblock to communication, especially on the internet. When people post it is fast and dirty. No one gives any credence or care to what they read, write, or believe.
Why can't language be treated more fairly? It is, after all, how we communicate with each other, how we stay connected as an organism. But we dont care about it. We abuse and misuse it, treating it as if our ancestors didnt spend the last 10 mellennia honing it into a sharp and precise tool.
Now it is looked at as an albatross around the neck of the working man, the average American, the people we all know and feel self-conscious about trying to explain the difference between there/their. Or no/know/now. Or even your/you're.
These are simple things we should have learned in kindergarten. We should be struggling with problems which affect our well being, not problems which prevent our being from becoming well. If we cannot even communicate between each other efficiently, how can we possibly expect to understand and explain our positions?
Separated by a common language.
Ok, I know that misspelled words are not the source of all our problems, but it stands to reason that once we all start saying things we don't mean only because we cannot find the word we want to express our actual feelings, we atrat to misunderstand each other and wars have broken out for less. The whole point of having history is to allow it to teach us what not to do. That is essentially the only benefit of the past, it is its own trial and error for our benefit.
Alls I wanted to say is that we are all the same. We all want the same thing even if we are arguing over socialism(which i wasnt aware was on our ballots now), or global warming(which apparently doesnt exist because it is cold during the winter), or the war(because i hadnt heard of the country Al Qaeda. hint, it isnt a place...) We all want to be safe. We want to be healthy. We want our kids to go to school to get a good education so that they can be better than we were. We all want to be free to live our lives without hurting anyone. We all want an opportunity to achieve the American dream even if it is simply to be on American Idol. We all want all of the same things and yet we are arguing over what the RIGHT way to do that is? Shortsightedness must be an American trait.
If we have trouble merely understanding each other because we don't want to learn to understand each other, Al Qaeda is literally the least of our worries.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Oh looky there. No, straight up, at the top of the page, yea, that's it, the thing under the title. You see that? Well, apparently when I started this a year ago, before the forgetting of '09, I wrote a mission statement. Thankfully I dont remember writing it, because it kind of pisses me off now, I am just an asshole. Just another random on the internet talking to himself.
Well in light of discovering I am an asshole, I am leaving the misguided mission statement as a reminder of the error of my ways. At least until I redeem myself in my own way.
I love saying one thing and doing the other. I said i was passing out because I was delirious, and yet still i thrust my psychosis on the world.
That will be all.
Well in light of discovering I am an asshole, I am leaving the misguided mission statement as a reminder of the error of my ways. At least until I redeem myself in my own way.
I love saying one thing and doing the other. I said i was passing out because I was delirious, and yet still i thrust my psychosis on the world.
That will be all.
Deciscions are not my forté.
What am I going to do with you? Are you going to instantly devolve into a mish-mash of random internet madness or will you be more streamlined and thoughtful? Will you serve a purpose or will you, like the majority of the internet, contribute nothing to the conversation. Which conversation will you even be having? I want to be a happy person, which cannot be if politics infect my conscious, so politics will not be welcome. Maybe it will just be things that interest me, but they have blogs that hire people to do that.
I am one. Just me alone.
It must be about me. I must fall victim to the siren song of self-involved internet madness. What else is there if not ourselves? We are all alone. So I must practice internet self-love. I will love myself for all the internetted webs to see. The tubes will be clogged with the result of my self stimulation.
Open up! I am here! Accept me internet. I want to be wanted.
Nighty night birds in flight. My delirium has finally taken hold. I wish I could see you when i woke, but by then you will surely be mold.
I am one. Just me alone.
It must be about me. I must fall victim to the siren song of self-involved internet madness. What else is there if not ourselves? We are all alone. So I must practice internet self-love. I will love myself for all the internetted webs to see. The tubes will be clogged with the result of my self stimulation.
Open up! I am here! Accept me internet. I want to be wanted.
Nighty night birds in flight. My delirium has finally taken hold. I wish I could see you when i woke, but by then you will surely be mold.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Morning has broken
Like the first morning, this one sucks. Although it isn't really the morning, and hasn't been for an hour, it is always morning when I wake up, and it always sucks. Butthat is no fault of the morning's, I typically blame it on the fabric of reality, the threads which hold us in this universe, because, honestly, what else is there to blame it on if not the fabric of reality? It certainly isn't my fault I'm cranky.
But crankiness aside, it is a beautifully overcast day. Hold up, i smell coffee...BRB.
Aaaaaaaand, back. While i was checking on the coffee my alarm went off. My alarm is a little ditty pre-installed on Verizon phones that goes by the title "Beautiful Day". It sounds like a meregnue version of U2's hit song, "The Streets Have No Name". Only kidding, it sounds like "A Beautiful Day". I got you though didn't I?
Didn't think so.
Oh wait, there it is, the sound of coffee being done.
Espresso, here comes daddy.
More later as time or my brain allows.
But crankiness aside, it is a beautifully overcast day. Hold up, i smell coffee...BRB.
Aaaaaaaand, back. While i was checking on the coffee my alarm went off. My alarm is a little ditty pre-installed on Verizon phones that goes by the title "Beautiful Day". It sounds like a meregnue version of U2's hit song, "The Streets Have No Name". Only kidding, it sounds like "A Beautiful Day". I got you though didn't I?
Didn't think so.
Oh wait, there it is, the sound of coffee being done.
Espresso, here comes daddy.
More later as time or my brain allows.
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